Silver Screen Resolution, Take Two: The Huntsman: Winter’s War

For my 2018 Resolution Project, I decided to take a page out of Lane’s book and do my own Silver Screen Resolution (hence the Take Two part of the title). There are a lot of movies out there I haven’t seen but feel like I should have, or movies that I’ve simply wanted to see and have yet to get around to it. With a deadline of some kind, now I’ll have to finally make a point to find them, get them, and watch them. My rules for the resolution are slightly different in that:

1. They must be spec-fic (this has not changed).
2. The movie will not be one that is in theaters or that would be part of a Sound Off!
3. They don’t have to be popular – or even something folks have heard about.

But I’ve decided to take my resolution to the next level as well, since I had more than 12 movies on my list that I wanted to see. And since we’re in “Take Two” mode, I might as well up the ante: I will instead be seeing two spec fic movies per month rather than just one. I’ve wanted to see this movie ever since I saw the trailer. Yes, I knew it wasn’t going to be great, but I wasn’t going to pass up fantasy that involved an ice queen, magic, war, and Charlize Theron looking abso-fucking-lutely badass. Besides, this was the Huntman’s story and no Snow White to be found — so it had to at least be a little better, right?

Spoilers. All of them.

Yes, I am going to spoil everything about The Huntsman: Winter’s War. Do you know why? Aside from this movie being old, everything involved in this movie is already completely ruined in the trailer as well as the DVD’s summary. Heck, go watch the trailer right now, I’ll wait.

Originally, because of the trailers, I thought this was a prequel of how the Huntsman became who he was and how he lost his wife. That’s how they billed it. It sounded as though a rift happened between Queen Ravenna and her sister Freya after the death of Freya’s child and they went to war. Eric and Sara, both in Freya’s army (she calls them all Huntsmen), help her defeat Ravenna who would eventually come back somehow and do the whole Snow White story thing. I assumed that, during this story, Freya and Sara would die, and thus we’d all be up to speed on why the Huntsman is so depressed later on. Kind of an Empire Strikes Back sort of thing where the good guys pretty much lose most of the time.

Except I was wrong. This story is both a prequel and a sequel, with at least 30 minutes or so dedicated to what happened before Snow White and the Huntsman and the rest of the story occurring after the events of that movie. Freya was actually minding her own business when Ravenna killed her baby (Freya doesn’t know this, anyone watching will, and the DVD blurb says so anyway). In her anger Freya went full Ice Queen with white hair, sparkly dresses, ice palace in the north, and lots of snow and icicles. From there she basically kidnapped children and built them into her army and went about taking down random kingdoms in the North (where’s Jon Snow when you need him?). Her one law: No love. Of course Eric and Sara break this rule so they get separated, he thinks she dies, yadda yadda, cut to seven years later and the ACTUAL PLOT.

From child army…

to conquering Huntsmen.

Snow White has sent the evil magic mirror away, but it’s gone missing, and Eric is tasked to find it. Freya hears about said mirror and decides she would like its power. Turns out Ravenna’s soul is partying in the mirror, hence how she’s kind of able to come back. Please note: there is no war. There’s not even a battle. There’s a small fight in the throne room. Freya and Ravenna don’t even turn on each other until the last 15 minutes or so of the movie.

So what is this movie about? Um, everyone wants the magic mirror, I guess? Except we never get any backstory whatsoever about this freaking mirror. It’s just evil and that’s all we’re told. Except it’s evil because Ravenna’s inside of it. Was it evil before then? Who knows. Ravenna only ever asked it who was the prettiest girl in town. It never did anything. She seems to be running under her own power, which is exactly what Freya is doing. By the way — Ravenna sucked youth from women in the first movie; how the hell is Freya staying young?

I’m still not legitimately sure what was happening here. Did Snow White kill the animals and the guard? Did the mirror do it? I’m confused.

I guess 1/3 of the movie is the Huntsman’s backstory as well as Freya’s, the second 1/3 is hunting for the mirror, and the final 1/3 is dealing with Ravenna. It’s a weird design as a whole and doesn’t really work for me. It doesn’t help that Liam Neeson, who starts off the story by being our narrator, IS STILL NARRATING 27 MINUTES LATER. I’m not joking. I thought the storytelling bit was over but nope, it just kept going. So that made it feel like the beginning of the movie didn’t even truly start until we see “Seven Years Later” at the bottom of the screen, picking up after Snow White is queen. And there are a lot of little things in this movie that simply don’t make sense or are bad writing decisions all around.

The goblins, when the first one appears on screen, looks like no goblin I’ve ever seen. Granted, they’re fantasy creatures and technically don’t really have a static look, but the fantasy world at large has pretty much decided what they should look like. Here, you get a weird mix of bull horns, ape-like behavior, and sound effects that are clearly a pack of dogs (yes, one pack of angry dogs for one goblin). I appreciate artistic license and all, but even the simple fact that they swung from trees and performed other acts that will do nothing but put you in mind of gorillas and chimps does nothing to help them. And while I’m cool that their blood is black and flammable, Eric should have died in a scene involving that very thing. He’s literally under a pile of goblins trying to beat him to death and Sara’s idea of saving him is to shoot them with a flaming arrow and set them all on fire. Yet somehow Eric doesn’t burn to death and even manages to magically get to the other side of an acid creek (just…don’t ask) unscathed.

Oh, and here’s some choice writing from that moment. One of the dwarves says to Sara, “Don’t miss,” to which she replies, “I never miss.” There is a mountain of goblins for you to shoot — you’d have to be absolute trash with a bow and arrow to miss.

This is a goblin. Ok.

You really can’t miss. P.S. Eric is under there.

And now he should 100% be on fire.

Once the goblin debacle is over and they have the mirror, one of the dwarves suggests they keep going since it’s only two hours to the heart of Sanctuary where the mirror’s evil can be contained. Instead, Sara says they should wait since they don’t know what might lurk in the darkness. Except they have plenty of daylight. Likewise, it’s clear they’re already in a part of Sanctuary because there is literally a happy moss- and flower-covered turtle eating grass behind them. What the hell do you think is waiting for you in the dark?

It’s clear later that Sara has secret reasons for wanting to wait, even though everyone makes it sound like things will be fine once they reach the heart of Sanctuary, so one would think Sara would want to get the mirror there as quickly as possible in order to thwart those reasons and save the day. Although, for being this magical foresty type place, Sanctuary sure as shit can’t keep out Ravenna’s men from the first movie or a battalion of Freya’s men or even Freya herself. What good is this place?

It was kind of cool to see Freya ride in on her snow bear thingy — even though it is terribly cliché. Where’s Aslan when you need him? OH RIGHT, HE’S NARRATING.

I realize I haven’t mentioned any of the dwarves’ names. That’s because I don’t really remember, nor does it really matter. What I do know, however, is that none of the actors for the dwarves are little people. They’re all just other actors who have been shrunk down or CGI’d to look shorter. I realize that not every little person in Hollywood wants to be a dwarf in a fantasy movie but…really? You couldn’t even give any of the folks who might have wanted to a chance? Ugh.

So, is this movie awful? No. It’s just really uninspiring. Its like the rough draft of something that probably shouldn’t have made it to the final cutting room floor. Eric is jovial and smiles at times when he shouldn’t (he got over Sara being alive WAY too fast and seemed incapable of impressing upon her the fact that he saw her die). The clichés are far too numerous (couple in love? Better find them a hot spring for making out in the middle of the wintery northlands!), and it just feels like it lacks proper direction. At one point during his rescue mission, Eric nearly kills himself, laughs and says, “Worst plan ever.” Yes, Eric. Yes, it is. The plot holes are thick (Ravenna’s brother is never once mentioned or makes an appearance), and mostly you’ll just find yourself watching and thinking about other, better fantasy movies, admiring Freya’s hair, and of course, checking out the fantastic costuming and waiting for Ravenna to show up because Charlize Theron as the evil queen is top-shelf goodness.

The costuming alone is the best part of the whole movie. It’s so stunning. Half the time I would get annoyed because I couldn’t see Freya or Ravenna’s whole outfits. Colleen Atwood was nominated for an Oscar for the first movie, and even if you didn’t like that movie, it’s easy to support that nomination. Her work was amazing, and she brought that same amount of talent and effort into this film as well (she already has four Oscars, but I’d support a fifth).

So, see this movie if you want. Or don’t. Makes no real difference. But I will leave you with a slide show of nothing but Freya and Ravenna’s incredible costuming.

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