Are you hiding from the outside world right now? Practicing “social isolation”? Welcome to my life! There are always good reasons to stay inside, especially if you’re an extreme introvert. However, there are other good reasons to sequester yourself. You may live in an area where COVID-19 has arrived. I’m so very sorry to hear that. If you’ve completed your responsibilities for the day, be they working from home, making sure that your kids have finished their take-home assignments, or finished up with your own online homework, then I have a few suggestions for some informative, entertaining pieces of media that you might want to consider for a potential quarantine. Read on!
THERE WILL BE SPOILERS
1) Zombieland and Zombieland: Double Tap — film — Comedy/Horror
To kick things off, have a look at two of the many zombie apocalypse films on offer. I won’t be covering all of them, only the ones that I like the best. The Zombieland franchise has always had its tongue firmly in cheek, and I can think of few better films to kick off a themed movie marathon. Consider what the first film offers! Not only do we have a hero who, very much like yours truly, is a little fanatical about rules and rituals and was never very social before the zombie virus hit, but there’s some pretty useful information here. I won’t spoil it for you, but here are a few basics, if horror’s not your bag: cardio is a must, seatbelts are mandatory, and watch your back in the bathroom. Come for the guide to surviving Zombieland, stay for things like Woody Harrelson beating the snot out of a zombie with a banjo, a fantastic Bill Murray cameo, and Emma Stone before she was a fancy, Academy Award-winning superstar. The second film isn’t necessarily required viewing (there’s a lot less useful information here), but it’s a damn good time. Elvis Presley, pacifists in the age of the zombie, and a fantastic representation of one of my favorite tropes of all time: found family. Bonus! Would YOU think to hide out in a freezer when the dead got up and started walking around? Neither would I.
2) Fallout 4 (and any of the previous installments) — game — Dystopian
Isn’t it a shame that they never made another game in the Fallout franchise? Ahem.
So let’s say that it’s the end of the world as we know it. Do you feel fine? If you’re safe within the comforting arms of Vault-Tec, you have nothing to worry about, right? Well. Maybe. Come, join us in the wasteland! There are monsters to kill, people (and mutants!) to befriend and betray, and another settlement needs your help! (link is NSFW due to language). I cannot play this type of game myself, but Mr. Price, whom I consulted for this piece, assures me that this is, indeed, an excellent learning opportunity for surviving the apocalypse. Steal everything. Bobby pins are worth their weight in gold. Start saving all of your bottle caps. And should a man in a hat start asking for you to help a nearby town while he tools around growing tomatoes in his garden or whatever the hell Preston Garvey does all day, feel free to tell him to piss right off.
3) The Maze Runner and sequels — novels/films — Action/Dystopian
So what happens when there’s a solar flare AND a deadly virus that ruins the world and kills a lot of people? If you’re a teenage boy with just the right type of brain, you wake up in a meadow, run around inside of a constantly evolving maze, and do your best to figure out what the fudge you’re doing in this mysterious meadow with a bunch of other teenage boys. Until a teenage girl shows up.
Wait. What?
I’ve only seen the film, but again, thanks to some input from Mr. Price (love you, darling!), I feel safe in recommending this novel and the sequels if you’re looking for some compelling reading. Yes, they’re young adult novels. We adore young adult speculative fiction here, or haven’t you noticed? Look past whatever sort of bias you’re still holding on to in this, the year 2020, against books under the young adult banner.
NB: this book may or may not stoke some flames of distrust in our government. Just warning you. This brings me to…
4) Newsflesh: Feed, Deadline, Blackout, Feedback, and Rise. — novels/short stories — Thriller, Contains horror elements
Look, I’ve written three different posts about the original trilogy, plus one “why you should read it” essay. If you want me to start yelling about Newsflesh again, I can do that. But I’m pretty sure we can all agree that I’ve done plenty of that already. If you’re unfamiliar with the series, let me offer this tantalizing bite (ha ha, I am the funniest person ever): political thriller with zombies. Sounds fun, right? (Also, I may be the first person on Instagram to use that as a hashtag). Feed takes place during an election year. This is an election year (already?). In Feed, there’s a deadly virus that makes the dead get up and start eating people. There’s a deadly virus roaming the world today, and I’m not saying that COVID-19 makes the dead get up, but I’m also not NOT saying it. (Disclaimer: it does not do that. This is me saying that it does not do that. For real. Also, do not be afraid to indulge in some delicious Chinese food, because that doesn’t cause you to get sick either, I promise.) Lessons learned here: be careful who you trust, shoot to kill, and always be ready to dig deeper to find out what’s really going on.
5) The Running Man / The Hunger Games and sequels — novels/film — Action/Dystopian
An otherwise friendly, and I assumed, generally reasonable gentleman at one of the local pizzerias offered his opinion that perhaps things in the world Aren’t Really That Bad, and also this is How It All Starts. He mentioned FEMA coffins. He said that we all have devices listening to us in our houses now, between Nests, Alexas, and what-not (this last one is semi-true; ask me some time about the time that Facebook gave me targeted ads about the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints after I was chatting with my grandmother on the phone about a family friend who happens to be Mormon…never mind, that’s the whole story). He said that this way, the government knows where all of us are right now, and can put whatever agenda that they happen to have in place. He’s a nice man. Truly. And I want to keep getting pizza from this restaurant, so I nodded and smiled, and I did NOT offer him a roll of foil with which to make a hat. I hope you’re all proud of me. ANYWAY. So, let us propose that this is the beginning of a totalitarian regime in which we are merely pawns, tools, and little human action figures for the 1% to play with. How do you get through that kind of scenario? If you’re Katniss Everdeen, you find somebody who knows how to con people better than you do, and you do your damnedest to play along. If you’re Ben Richards, you play along until you’ve been pushed to your limit, at which time you take out the enemy while screaming “SCREW THE MAN” at the top of your lungs (or something along those lines, as it’s been a minute since I read this novella). The Running Man is a fairly short read, but I cannot vouch for the film. The Hunger Games trilogy is an excellent read, and I love the films (which feature Woody Harrelson once again, in a completely perfect casting decision, as Haymitch Abernathy, mentor to our heroes, Katniss and Peeta).
6) Mad Max: Fury Road, Mad Max Beyond Thunderdome — film — Action/Dystopian
Get your silver spray paint ready, you may be tasked to die drive historic on the fury road. If you’re really lucky you might not end up as a shirtless lackey, however. Maybe you will become an outlandishly, fabulously dressed leader. Look, all I’m saying is that Aunty Entity was a fashion icon ahead of her time.
I have a great deal of affection for Fury Road, but Beyond Thunderdome was the first Mad Max film that I saw and enjoyed. This is an absolute worst-case scenario. Civilization collapses utterly. Water becomes one of the scarcest, most valuable things in the known world (we’re going to go ahead and breeze right by Waterworld if that’s fine with everyone). Outlandish despots rule with an iron fist. It’s every man or woman for themselves. What do you do? Do you profit from the scarcities? Looking at you, Bullet Farmer and Mayor of Gas Town. Do you keep your head down and hope for the best? Or do you rise up and take on the injustice in some effort to restore a benevolent form of leadership (and do you do it while having ONLY ONE ARM? No, because there’s only one Imperator Furiosa)? Choices, choices. If this is the future that we’re heading for, I can only hope to find a place in some mad ruler’s court as a jester, because truly, I am not good for much beyond attempting to entertain people. I live, I snark, I live again.
7) The Emperor’s New Groove / Kronk’s New Groove — film — Animated Comedy, Family Friendly
OKAY, HEAR ME OUT. Let us say that you are in quarantine, because you have indeed acquired some sort of illness. Maybe it is one of the many nasty upper respiratory infections that has been spreading around all season. Perhaps it is the flu. Maybe you actually do have COVID-19 and you’re waiting things out. For this to work properly, I must assume that you are taking at least Some of the Cold Medicine, or even All of the Cold Medicine. You can’t really keep up with some of the more intricate plot lines in many movies, books, or television shows. Games are pretty much right out (but read on). What better way to entertain your brain than the campy, somewhat art-deco-styled Disney masterpiece that is The Emperor’s New Groove? Consider the cast: David Spade as Emperor Kuzco (who becomes a talking llama…seriously, trust me), John Goodman as Pacha the goodhearted peasant, the inimitable Eartha Kitt as the ambitious female government employee villain Yzma, with Patrick Warburton as the voice of Kronk, Yzma’s latest henchman. This is, nominally, a children’s film. However, as with many animated films, there is plenty for the adults in the room to enjoy. Watch this particular clip and get a taste of the ridiculous humor on offer. The sheer absurdity that this film plays with is delightful. For example, there’s a point near the end of the film where, during a madcap race back to the palace, Kuzco and Pacha question how Yzma and Kronk managed to beat them. Kronk pulls down a map from nowhere and states that, by all accounts, it does not make sense that he and Yzma managed to get there first.
If you enjoy the first one, Kronk’s New Groove was one of the first Disney sequels to actually do everything exactly right and deliver an end result that is just as enjoyable as the first installment. If you have Disney Plus, hop on, watch the first movie, and join the rest of us in wondering why Yzma even has that lever.
8) Shaun of the Dead — film — Comedy/Horror
This is what happens when you ignore the health crisis and don’t stay at home as you’ve been asked to do. You end up in a pub, beating up zombies, while rocking out to Queen’s “Don’t Stop Me Now.” Yes, we have more zombies here, and I promise that it’s the last time for this article. The film does skew pretty gruesomely at times, so if that’s not your thing, this isn’t the film for you. If you can look past that, however, you’ll find a story about a pair of friends, who are just trying to get through their day, when the zombie apocalypse strikes. They’re so wrapped up in their own lives that they don’t really realize what’s going on at first. So, the lesson here is, pay attention. Stay at home. And if you do have to fight with a hoard of the ravenous undead, make sure to do so with the appropriate soundtrack backing you up.
9) The Division / The Division 2 — game — Action/Speculative/Thriller
What if, on Black Friday, someone contaminated a lot of dollar bills with a deadly virus that ended up killing a lot of people? What if polite society started to collapse? This realistic shooter lets you take on the role of a special government operative that is part of the secret governmental agency known as the Division. Learn how to fight for freedom, take on bad actors, and play your part in reviving the civilization that we have enjoyed for the past several hundred years. Or if you’re in the mood to play a battle royale style game, and you don’t feel like messing with the Fortnite punks, go into the Dark Zone and play some PVP. Become the hero that you’ve always known that you could be, from safe behind the walls of your own home. I suggest skipping the first game and jumping in with the second. You’ll find more people to play with, and it’s essentially the exact same game anyway, with much better graphics.
10) Stardew Valley — game — Farming sim
I wrote about my experience playing this game a while ago. My feelings have only grown stronger, and I’ve clocked hundreds of hours on Stardew Valley during the last year or so that I’ve been playing. If you’ve grown weary of staying indoors, have become tired of your entertainment collection, and bored with the internet as a whole, why not pretend to be a virtual farmer for a while? Choose from six different farm layouts, customize your farmer, and get to work fixing up grandpa’s old farm. There’s no way to lose this game, so play at your own pace. Feel like skipping out on the farm and fishing all day? Have at it! Want to bust open rocks and fight monsters? Head for the mines! Or if you just want that shy hottie Sebastian to marry you (again), devote your time, energy, and gold-star produce to achieving that goal. You can start over a hundred times, playing differently each time. If you play on your computer, there’s a vibrant, active modding* scene that allow for even more customizations and adventures. If you go this route, I recommend checking out Stardew Valley Expanded, a huge mod that adds new characters, new dialogue and events for the vanilla characters, and new areas to explore. The game’s available on pretty much every platform that you can think of. If you want to try the game out to see if it’s for you, the mobile version is an affordable option. Sit back, relax, and grow some strawberries.
*Modding in this sense refers to modifying an existing game in order to add or remove features. Think about it like video game fanfiction, in a way.
And there you have it. Auntie Casey’s top ten entertainment recommendations for life during the quarantine. Don’t forget, get plenty of rest, eat your veggies, drink plenty of water, and for all of the gods’ sake, wash your hands.
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