Trick-or-Treat! A Mixed Bag of Awful and Awesome

Happy October, Chicers! The air is crisp, everything is pumpkin-spice flavor, and my boots and sweaters are back in rotation. In other words, it’s decorative gourd season, mofos! (FYI, that article is a classic, but probably NSFW.) Not to mention, this awesome month comes with a prominent holiday: Columbus Day, where we celebrate the raping, plundering, and enslavement of… Wait. We don’t celebrate that asshole anymore? Well, thank goodness. I guess that means we can move along to the far superior Halloween!

Witches and ghoulies and ghosties, oh my! Who doesn’t love coming up with a costume and going door-to-door begging for free candy? Feel like you’re too old for those shenanigans? Pro-tip: Have a kid or borrow one from a friend or family member and take them trick-or-treating. The former is all well and good, if that’s your jam, but I prefer the latter since that means I don’t have to deal with the sugar-crash meltdown. #auntlife4ever

Of course, when you’re knocking on the door or ringing the bell at strangers’ houses, you never know if you’re going to get a trick or a treat. So, it’s in that spirit that I bring you a couple of tricks and a couple of treats.

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Return to Oz

I don’t think I know anyone over the age of five who hasn’t seen the 1939 version of The Wizard of Oz, with Judy Garland and her sickening red shoes. And why shouldn’t they? It’s full of great lines and songs, awesome costuming and set design, and Judy-freaking-Garland. Sure, the flying monkeys or the Wicked Witch might freak out some younger viewers, but no one is scarred for life.

If only the same could be said for the actors. Buddy Ebsen, the original Tin Man, almost died from the aluminum dust in his makeup. Ray Bolger, the actor chosen to replace him, also had a negative reaction to the aluminum paste in his makeup, not to mention the permanent lines created on his face from the metal jawline they glued on him every day. And let’s not forget poor Margaret Hamilton, aka the Wicked Witch of the West. In addition to being equally toxic, her green makeup actually dyed her skin for a period of time, and she received first- and second-degree burns to her face and hands when a fire stunt deployed too early. Did I mention that, because of the Technicolor process, the set was hot as Hades, which meant actors and crew members were fainting left and right. To top it all off, when young Judy couldn’t stop giggling at the Cowardly Lion’s comedic entrance, director Victor Fleming slapped her. Granted, this was a different time in Hollywoodland. For one, it was called “Hollywoodland.” The “land” wouldn’t be dropped until 1949. For another, this is the same era in which seven-year-old actress Margaret O’Brien’s parents let Vincente Minnelli — director of Meet Me in St. Louis and future husband of Garland/father of Liza — tell her that her dog had died so he could get her to cry on camera. So…yeah.

(Another fun fact: In 1973, pranksters/advocates for looser marijuana laws actually managed to change the sign briefly to “Hollyweed.” Okay, I’m done, but if you want to know even more about the surprisingly turbulent life of the iconic sign, go here.)

Regardless, The Wizard of Oz came out wonderfully; it’s now an indisputable classic and, according to the Library of Congress, the most watched movie of all time. But what about the 1985 sequel? Oh, I’m so glad you asked!

(I know, I know…I’ve discussed this movie before. But it’s so fantastically frakked up that I just can’t help myself.)

Return to Oz starred a young Fairuza Balk, who would go on to star in The Craft (1996) and…well, not much else. I mean, she’s been working pretty steadily since then, but her performances in Return to Oz and The Craft are probably the ones for which she will be most remembered. Which makes sense, since unlike the fleeting trauma of the Wicked Witch or the Flying Monkeys, Return to Oz, like Bolger’s jawline makeup, absolutely leaves a lasting imprint on everyone who watches it.

In Return to Oz, the writers and director made a real effort to depict a more accurate, and therefore darker, side of L. Frank Baum’s series, and, boy howdy, do they succeed! The film is set in 1899, and even though six months have passed since the twister, Dorothy won’t stop talking about the Land of Oz and its colorful inhabitants. So good old Auntie Em and Uncle Henry, thinking that their niece is still suffering from some sort of head trauma, take her to a mental asylum for electroshock therapy.

Thankfully, Dorothy escapes before they zap her, plunging into a river during a storm and washing up on the banks of a post-apocalyptic version of the Emerald City. Gone are the glowing green walls, the overenthusiastic hairdressers and seamstresses, and the multicolored horses. Instead, imagine Dorothy walking onto the set of The Walking Dead anytime after season two. In other words, the infrastructure’s fucked. (Any Eddie Izzard fans in the house? If so, I ask you to choose cake or death.) King Scarecrow’s throne has been usurped by the Nome King, the Yellow Brick Road is in shambles, and all of Emerald City’s cheery inhabitants, including the Tin Man and Cowardly Lion, have been turned to stone.

Oh, and the otherwise empty streets are prowled by unholy creatures called Wheelers.

With the help of a mechanical man named Tik-Tok, Dorothy only just escapes the Wheelers. Tik-Tok then helpfully leads her to the home of Princess Mombi, a woman/witch who collects heads and takes Dorothy captive so she can steal hers, too.

By the way, this is PG-rated Disney film. What can I say? Shit got weird in the ’80s.

There’s much more to this amazing horror-fest, but I don’t want to spoil it for you. Bottom line, Return to Oz is not the fun family film that devotees of its predecessor might expect, making this a delightfully devilish TRICK.

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Dexter

You might be wondering if I’m referring to the book or the show? And the answer is both, actually. The book came first, as it so often does, with Darkly Dreaming Dexter by Jeff Lindsay (2004), and the show followed along on Showtime in 2006. The show ran for eight seasons and the book series is eight titles long, but aside from that and the basic premise, they diverge quite substantially, especially after season/book one.

If you’ve never seen or read anything, the premise is that Dexter, as a toddler, witnesses the horrific murder of his mother and a few of her addict friends. He then spends the next 72 hours trapped in a shipping container filled with their blood and remains. Eventually, the cops arrive, and one of the first men on the scene, Harry Morgan, adopts the traumatized child. As he grows older, his adoptive father begins to recognize signs of psychopathy, so he gives Dexter a code and an outlet for his dark desires — he can kill someone if a) they deserve it, and b) he doesn’t get caught.

Fast-forward to Dexter’s adulthood, when he’s a scientist, specifically a blood-splatter analyst, for the Miami Police Department by day and a vigilante serial killer by night. Lacking the capacity to love or distinguish right from wrong, he has learned how to fake it all, both for his sake and the sake of his sister, wannabe–detective Debra.

So, because I’m double-dipping into the book and the movie, you might think this is a trick and a treat. And you’d be partially right. The first few seasons of Dexter are fantastic. The writing is very clever, with Dexter (Michael C. Hall) providing a solid voice-over and the story taking enjoying/surprising twists and turns. Also, a shout-out to Deb (Jennifer Carpenter — most people seem to love her or hate her, and I love her) and Daniel Licht, who composed a lot of beautiful music for the show. For example, this piece, which is called “Astor’s Birthday Party.”

At any rate, there are a lot of opinions about when this show jumped the shark. IMO, the show’s quality dips hugely after season four, but it’s worth watching to the end of the sixth season. Venture further at your own risk. Because for those of us who watched until the bitter end, we were subjected to one of the most awful seasons and heinous finales in TV history. Seriously, it’s THE WORST, and I say that without any hyperbolic exaggeration. I’ve rewritten the ending for my head canon, but unlike the shitshow that was the How I Met Your Mother finale — which, despite viewing the whole rest of the series, I’ve never watched — I can never un-watch the Dexter finale, nor can I reclaim those lost hours of my life.

Where does the book come in? Well, that’s a different sort of bait-and-switch. While both the show and the books have received their share of praise, they’re different enough that I don’t think I’ve ever met anyone who likes them both. It’s like when Lorelai Gilmore reads Wild by Cheryl Strayed and then goes to hike the Pacific Coast Trail, only to find at least a dozen other women there to do the same. In that case, they separate themselves into the “Book People” and the “Movie People,” based on whichever on inspired them. With Dexter, there seem to be “Book People” and “TV People,” and ne’er the twain shall meet.

So, between the book/TV divide and the show’s strong start and weak AF finish, Dexter definitely qualifies as a another TRICK.

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Adult Candy

No, I’m not referring to penis-shaped lollipops or gummy breasts. Get your minds out of the gutter! I’m talking about candy for grown-ups.

If you’ve kicked Kit-Kats, put away the Peachie O’s, and blown off Blow Pops because you’re too mature for kiddie candy, then allow me to rescue you from your middle-aged misery with these cool confectioneries.

(A couple of these are local to me in the Chicagoland area, but all of them will ship their delights straight to your door.)

Sugarfina

This “luxury candy” shop has everything. Their apple pie jellies actually taste like apple pie! Dom Pérignon gummy bears that taste like Dom Pérignon! Snozzberries that taste like snozzberries!

Okay, maybe they don’t have snozzberries, but they do have those other candies and many, many more, including boozy truffles, chocolate-covered almonds that look like olives and come in a martini shaker, and caffienated cold brew gummy bears. Sure, you can share most of these with your children — the candies that do contain actual alcohol are clearly marked — but, at “luxury candy” prices, why would you?

 

I Want Candy!

These specialty suckers are both eye-catching and delicious, making them a great gift for someone else or a luxurious lolly for yourself. And all the images are printed on edible paper that dissolves as you lick ’em. They also have gold-leaf-covered rock candy and take custom orders. Or should I say cust-yum orders? #sorrynotsorry #imstoppingnow

Anna Shea Chocolates

This chocolate shop has bon-bons that will blow your hair back. From the mouthwatering “My Precious” truffle (creamy cinnamon-caramel coated in milk chocolate) to the unmissable “Wine & Cheese” (which is filled with red-wine gelee and Humboldt Fog goat-cheese ganache), the mad/brilliant chocolatiers at Anna Shea truly make flavors for every palate and always have something new and delicious up their sleeves.

So, go ahead, grups, and TREAT yo self.

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And last, but never least…Hocus Pocus!

Yes, like Alexa and just about everyone else in the world, my favorite Halloween movie is Hocus Pocus (1993), starring Bette Midler, Sarah Jessica Parker, and Kathy Najimy as the infamous Sanderson Sisters of Salem, Massachusetts. Truly, no Halloween season is complete without a full viewing, and if I’m lucky, multiple viewings of Midler and co. singing “I’ll Put a Spell on You.”

If you’ve been living under a rock, or purposefully ignoring the movie because of all the hype, it begins in 1693, with Winifred, Sarah, and Mary Sanderson draining the life energy out of young girl Emily Binx (Amanda Shepherd), killing her and turning her guilty brother Thackery (Sean Murray) into an immortal black cat. (If you don’t recall from the film, Thackery’s guilt stems from not paying as much attention to Emily as he should. He doesn’t actually hand her over to the sisters or anything that jacked up.) At any rate, the townspeople, learning of the death and disappearance of the Thackery children, take up their torches and pitchforks, and go after the Sandersons. However, just before they’re hanged, Winifred’s semi-sentient, flesh-bound grimoire casts a curse, ensuring that the sisters will be resurrected when a virgin lights the Black Flame candle on All Hallow’s Eve. (For the record, the act of binding a book in human skin is called anthropodermic bibliopegy. Also for the record, I knew that off the top of my head. Make of that what you will.)

The Sanderson house eventually becomes a museum, and Thackery the Cat remains there to prevent anyone with an unstamped V-card from lighting the candle. Except he fails one Halloween when virgin Max Dennison (Omri Katz), in an attempt to impress his new crush Allison (Vinessa Shaw), lights the candle, thereby resurrecting the witches.

Hijinks ensue as the Sanderson sisters run amok, trying to both steal the soul of Max’s little sister Dani (Thora Birch), which they need to remain alive once the sun comes up, and deal with life in the twentieth century.

I’m sure there are people who either don’t like this movie or are sick of hearing about it, but those people are wrong. Hocus Pocus is so beloved that Hollywood just announced a remake of it. Just kidding! That was a TRICK. This movie, on the other hand, is nothing but a TREAT.

Enjoy! And have a happy Halloween!